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I cannot believe it's 20 years ago that the first same sex marriage occurred.  It has taken so long everywhere for same sex marriages to be recognized. 

The first lesbian couple to be married took place in the Netherlands.  This couple originally met on a blind date 20 years before they actually reconnected and started their courtship that resulted in the first lesbian marriage 3 years thereafter.  However, their path to a true legal marriage took some time and like other countries, was not offered immediately.  Their first ceremony was technically a registered partnership, which was the best they could do at the time, while one of them was pregnant with their first child.  However, the partnership registry did not give parental rights to the non-biological parent, notwithstanding the “union”.  In fact, the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg referred to this version of marriage as “a skim milk marriage”. 

When this first couple’s child was born, the non-biological mother had no legal connection, claim or rights to this child.  It wasn’t until the Netherlands enacted a new law, which came into effect on April 1, 2001.  This couple was the only lesbian couple to be married on the first day of the law’s enactment with a ceremony performed by the mayor of Amsterdam. 

Based upon the couple’s own recollections, they were thrust into the forefront of a media frenzy and actually saw a video of themselves on CNN. 

In 1999 most countries did not even offer a registered partnership, which obviously falls very short of full martial rights.  In the United States, Vermont became the first state to offer “civil unions”.  However, most people did not understand the significance that to undo that “civil union”, they would need to reside in Vermont, prior to the dissolution for at least one year.  This became very problematic for many who rushed to Vermont to get married. 

The Netherlands passed its law in 2001.  Belgium followed in 2003 and Massachusetts became the first in the United States to legalize marriage for same sex couples in 2004.  However, it wasn’t until June 26, 2015, that the United States allowed and recognized same sex marriages as a result and Order of the United States Supreme Court ruling in Obergefell v Hodges.  At that time the United States was one of only 17 countries to change their national laws. 

Today same sex couples can marry in only 29 countries.  This is a stark contrast to the fact that nearly triple that number criminalized consensual same sexual behavior.  I remember as a law student, interning in the early 80’s, with then “Lambda Legal Defense”, on their project to help overturn existing sodomy laws in Texas and many other states. But change is slow!  Sodomy was only officially decriminalized in the United States in 2003.  It still carries the death penalty in some countries.  I find that incomprehensible when so many other heinous crimes have such minimal sentences!  Although many nations are moving towards decriminalizing same sex acts, and a few more countries have come on board in accepting legalizing same sex marriage, there is still a lot of progress that must be made. 

Even for the first married lesbian couple living in what is considered to be a very progressive country as the Netherlands, they have expressed that they feel that there is more aggression on the streets towards same sex couples today than 20 years ago.  The fact that hate and misinformation has been able to grow rather than decline is still very frightening.

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of Sarah Prager, The Lily.  Photo courtesy of Unsplash (Royalty Free Photos).

As most of us know, our bodies can be broken down into simple chemistry.  The same is true for how things react in our brain.  It was interesting to learn that in this study people who had been in long term relationships of an average of 21 years had the same chemical reaction in their brains as people who had recently fallen in love when they were shown a picture of their partner.  What's also interesting is that an activity jump in the areas of the brain associated with maternal love and pair bonding suggest that feelings of attachment are an important facet of a romantic relationship, at least as demonstrated by the chemistry in your brain.

Obviously the key to a long term relationship is not just mere chemistry...science has yet to figure out exactly what keeps the flame of love alive for extended long term relationships, but we all know it's more than just romantic love.  A healthy long lasting relationship also requires elements of attachments and pair bonding and I submit, cooperation, honesty, communication and respect for one another. 

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of Grace Browne, Inverse

One of the hardest things about navigating a divorce is not just your emotional well being and survival, but that of your children.  Too often parents are so overwhelmed with their own emotional turmoil and the disagreements (and the war) going on between them, that they forget about the impact of this devastating time on their children.  Some of the nastiest things that occur in a litigated divorce is when parents use their children as pawns and a vehicle to hurt their spouse.  In actuality all they have done is hurt their children. 

Parents need to communicate honestly with their children about divorce, but they need to keep it general.  They don’t need to involve the children in the nitty gritty of their problems and their relationship.  Often children are not equipped to deal with these complexities, nor should they have to. 

In the collaborative process, family specialist are extremely valuable in helping parents deal with their children and do what is best to help the children navigate through this difficult time. 

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Jim Catlin, Chippewa Valley Family

Happy Women’s “Herstory” Month!  In school we were mainly taught “history”, and rarely did we hear about women leaders, let alone their quotes. 

Here is a wonderful article of sixteen quotes that you can share with your children and teach them about the impact each of these women have had on herstory.  I particularly love the ones from Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Michelle Obama and Ayanna Pressley.  I will also add one of my favorites by Elenore Roosevelt, “A women is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water”.

In honor of International Women’s Day and Month, this article highlights Long Island Suffragette and socialite Alva Vanderbilt Belmont, who formed the National Women’s party with Suffragette leader, Alice Paul.

Their cause was for the right of women by law to vote in national and local elections.  Without their sacrifice and dedication, we might not have the right to vote.  Ms. Vanderbilt Belmont was the party’s president and primary benefactor.  She was also known for saying “Pray to god, she will help you.”

In 1917, the group began a vigil with hundreds of flag waiving protestors, displaying huge signs, shouting their message which marked the first time that protestors picketed in front of the White House.  It was January 1917 when the group began their vigil that lasted six days a week for six months, despite the weather conditions!! 

All the liberties and rights that women have today are a result of the women who came before us.  I am so grateful for all the strong women, many of whom we have never heard about when we were taught the “history” of our country.  It's time we start to talk about our “herstory”!

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Annie Wilkinson of the Long Island Press

If you know anything about goal setting then you know it's imperative to think about and set goals to have success in whatever you do.  Whether it's starting a new business, developing your career, or working within a relationship.  Having goals not only structures and gives positive direction, it focuses ones attention on what's important.  Even within a marriage or a significant relationship, it's important to talk, communicate and think about the future as well as goals. People most often make assumptions that things will just work out and take care of themselves...love conquers all.  However, as with anything else, if you are looking for success, setting goals helps guarantee the greater possibility of producing positive results.  Having positive intentions and setting them forth creates a better basis for success. 

Choosing to discuss goals with your partner will not only lead to a better understanding for each of you in the relationship, but enlighten you both as to what each of you truly want.  As a result, you will have better communication and a stronger relationship with the possibility of greater long term success.

This is definitely a good read and something I think 90% of couples do not do or think about.

Experts say having goals is a definite must in having a healthy and strong marriage and/or relationship.

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Jeremy Brown, Fatherly

Covid has had a dramatic global impact on our world and everyone in it, especially all the human souls that have been lost in this last year.  One of the other harsh realities that Covid has had is the difficulty it has created in marriages and relationships, which, prior to Covid, appeared to have been sound and healthy.

Being Covid restricted and limited to our home environments, many have found themselves in their marriages and significant relationships with fewer places to go and fewer distractions to occupy their time.  Couples have been forced to live almost 24/7 in the same space without any independent outside relief.  Even in the best of relationships, people need some down or alone time and distractions, plus occasions with other people they interact with other than their primary relationship or spouse. 

For many this dynamic made them aware that they could no longer ignore some of the harsh realities of their marriages and intimate relationships.  For others however, it actually created a dynamic that enabled their relationship to strengthen because they spent more quality time and chose to do inventive things together.

There is no doubt, that even for the best of marriages and couples, the immense load of stress, combined with close quarters, can make arguments more likely and irritations that would normally be ignored, amplified.  Some couples can work through and overcome obstacles and disruptions and eruptions in their relationship, while other couples simply cannot.  This is the simple truth about divorce and how divorce may come about.  It has been a lot harder during the pandemic, when things are so amplified and also the resources enabling to alleviate the stress are all but non-existent. 

As this article points out, Covid conditions have acted as an accelerant.  To make matters worse for those who need court intervention, the courts have been at times completely shut down and with very limited access for only matters that qualify as true emergencies. 

That is why being able to use alternatives, such as collaborative divorce, is essential.  In a collaborative divorce, the parties never have to step into a court room or court house, only their paperwork goes to the court house.

This article clearly outlines seven (7) reasons why couples are filing for divorce during covid and why covid has been the accelerator for some couples.

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Jeremy Brown, Fatherly

Lessons to be learned: not letting the pandemic put your marriage at risk.

During the pandemic we have definitely seen a rise in agitation within relationships.  Some couples have discovered that they were not meant to live 24/7 in the same household. Being forced to be together 24/7 in close quarters is stressful.  Add to the mix children who are required to stay home (either being home schooled or remote learning), all while parents are trying to work at home remotely can build pressure and stress, not to mention the emotional tool the pandemic is having on everyone.

Do not feel bad and start to assign blame.  Being together nonstop can become irritating for either spouse. The pandemic has destroyed normal routines for everyone and we all have to adjust and find a new balance and a new normal.  Encourage and embrace differences of opinion and try to keep an open mind. Instead of dividing a couple these difficult times could create avenues of common ground to make your relationship stronger.

So don't be part of the statistics of couples who break up. Instead embrace each other with open honesty, kindness, consideration, love and joy and find the brighter side of things together and make your relationship stronger for the long haul. 

Divorce is unfortunate under any circumstance and what people many times do not realize is that it has a significant negative impact on the physical and mental health not only on the two participants of the divorce but for their children and the entire family.  For some the stress of the divorce can actually temporarily alter a person.  You may have witnessed a friend, colleague or family member change during the enormous stress of a divorce.  It can be surprising and unsettling to see such a dynamic change in a person you know well.

The stress of a divorce can also significantly impact a person’s ability to think clearly and function normally.  When you understand such a drastic impact on a person you also need to recognize that this stress carries over to a person’s mental and physical health and wellbeing. Studies have shown that divorcees have trouble physically functioning and report more body pain and worse overall physical health during and immediately after a divorce.

However, the toxicity and stress of divorce does not have to overtake you and your family. There is a better way! Collaborative divorce is a more holistic and healthier approach to resolve all issues that must be addressed in the dissolution of a marriage. It saves everyone involved from the negative impact of a divorce.  Your family deserves Collaborative.

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of David Sears, KAST
Selected photo courtesy of Paper City Magazine